Desperately Wanting
by Cassandra Mulder
Summary: You can't always have what you want. WR


**Title: **Desperately Wanting  
  
**Author: **Cassandra Mulder  
  
**E-mail/Feedback: **dana[underscore]mulder32[at]yahoo.com Feedback is loved and adored. :)  
  
**Rating: **PG-13  
  
**Classification: **X-Men Movieverse; Wolverine/Rogue; angst  
  
**Spoilers: **Maybe slight X2, but I mean _slight_.  
  
**Disclaimer: **The X-Men belong to Marvel Comics and 20th Century Fox. I'm just playing with Logan and Rogue for a little while, because the writers are obstinate little suckers who won't do the right thing! No money is being made, and no infringement is intended. I'm just a sad, bored, unemployed little girl, don't sue me.  
  
**Summary: **You can't always have what you want.  
  
**Distribution: **My archive, Bound, ff.net, and wolverineandrogue.com Anyone else, please ask.  
  
**Author's Notes: **Oooh, the sap! The angst! There's really nothing more to say about that. lol Except I hope you enjoy, because Logan and Marie gave me a hard time about this one. ;)

* * *

Bobby knows that even though Rogue may be sitting next to him, her eyes wander to Logan when she thinks neither of them will see. That she's been quiet, extremely distracted since he returned to the mansion. That she's dying to talk to him at length, but can't seem to find the moment. Too much else has taken priority over a catch-up heart to heart.  
  
She knows that he knows, deep down, and that's what twists at her heart when she tries to pretend she's only secretly betraying him. Or maybe she's openly betraying Logan, but she shrugs off the thought, because that would only work if he loved her.  
  
Rogue, only Marie to Logan now on occasion, doesn't want to think about having a hold on either of them, real or imagined, when she has nothing to give. She doesn't know why Bobby bothers, and understands why Logan never has.  
  
But there are far too many reasons beyond the mere matter of touch to explain why Logan has "never bothered", and he stands on every one as firmly as he can so that no one will know his secret. Not even her. Especially not her.  
  
He can feel her eyes on him, smell the anxiety whenever he comes close to her, see just what she wants in her face, and knows that no matter how hard she tries to hide it, it's obvious to everyone else.  
  
Still, he won't let her know, to save both of them. Or at least one of them. She's young, he feels she should get over it in time, but he knows how much time three years is, and she still isn't over it.  
  
If only he'd come back and there hadn't been that look in her eyes, he could've moved on with some relief. He knew how to deal with pain, with loss, he'd had plenty of that since the beginning of his new life.  
  
But he couldn't do that to her; be everything to her. She was strong, but he knew she wouldn't be able to handle it in the end. She was too young, he was very possibly way too old, he didn't know himself, she knew too much of him, and when it came down to the very bottom line, he wasn't good enough for her. He knew she thought it was the other way around, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Marie could barely touch, but that in no way detracted from her from where he stood.   
  
There were things in this world that were no one's fault, and her mutation certainly wasn't hers. She thought that was what was stopping him, and he couldn't bring himself to tell her otherwise.   
  
He could tell, but he couldn't act. Look, but not touch, and if he gave her the knowledge that she wasn't the only one going mad, wanting desperately what she couldn't have, he would only make it worse for them both in the long run. There would be no way they could exist in the same space without the mansion exploding after letting that out, he was convinced of it.  
  
Anyone would wonder why this girl meant so much to him, and he wasn't quite sure himself. All he knew for sure was that she was the first person he could remember ever caring about in his life. God knows he'd tried not to in the beginning, but it was just no use. She was so young, and so scared (she'd tried to pretend she wasn't afraid, but he could feel the fear rolling off of her in waves), and there had been something inside of him, some instinct that insisted he take care of her.   
  
He didn't look after anyone but himself, and she changed all that. He still didn't know what had changed inside of him, only that she'd been solely responsible for it.  
  
So they continued this dance - avoidance, desire, denial - all in a useless attempt to convince themselves they were only good friends, and nothing was going on beneath the surface.  
  
Meanwhile, Logan wondered if Bobby could shoot ice daggers with his eyes, and what Marie would think if he broke his hand if he ever tried to freeze his own again. She probably wouldn't take it well, but the boy had no clue what being territorial was all about. Not compared to the Wolverine. Not when it involved the girl that the Wolverine considered his.   
  
They both ignored Marie's warning looks when they were in each other's presence. She knew what they were playing at, and wished uselessly that they would stop. She didn't want it to attract the attention of every occupant in the mansion, and she didn't want to have to be the one in the middle, even though she already was.  
  
One day, she couldn't take it any longer, and she managed to corner Logan alone in the Danger Room.  
  
"Stop threatening Bobby," she whispered harshly.  
  
Logan, taken aback by her order, didn't know whether to laugh or scowl. He smirked as a compromise.  
  
"And he's innocent?" he said derisively.  
  
"He's just a boy," Marie snapped.  
  
"Can't handle a man, baby?" he said, just to be obnoxious.  
  
She moved to slap him with her gloved hand, but he blocked with his arm, taking her hand and putting it gently behind her back.  
  
"You don't want to do that."  
  
"Don't I?" she drawled, an eyebrow raised, and an uncharacteristic haughtiness coming over her features.  
  
_She's undoubtedly a southern belle_, Logan mused to himself.  
  
"You wouldn't like the consequences."  
  
"Oh, I'm sure I wouldn't," she tried to say with confidence, but her breath hitched, giving her away. That totally depended on what the consequences were. She could actually think of a few she might not mind...  
  
"Let me go, Logan."  
  
"You gonna be a good little girl and keep your hands to yourself?"  
  
"Sure, as long as you keep your smart mouth shut."  
  
That's when she knew she'd done it. Not even Logan's self-appointed charge talked to him like that and got away with it.  
  
Before she could even try to get away, or make out what that new fire in his eyes might mean, his lips were on hers. She immediately panicked, knowing that at any moment she would feel the pull of his lifeforce being drained from him as she imprinted him once again.  
  
She tried to pull away, but he only pulled her closer against him, and suddenly she realized nothing was happening - yet. He kissed her a full ten seconds before they both felt the tiny pull, and he broke away as if that was what he had intended all along.  
  
Marie leaned against the wall for support, having never been so thoroughly kissed in her life. Nobody else she knew was strong enough to have a chance to kiss her like that, except Logan.  
  
And he knew it, she thought as she looked at him standing before her, actually trying to keep the smug look off his face. She could barely breathe, and there he stood, acting as if they'd just been having a little chat about the gym equipment. He never failed to eventually infuriate her, and that seemed to be his favorite part of the game.  
  
"What the hell was that?" she almost shouted, her anger slowly but steadily breaking through the haze his kiss had caused to come over her.  
  
"I think you know, but if you don't you will soon," he replied with a wink, calmly turned from her, and left the Danger Room. He was leaving while she was just trying to figure out how she was going to move.  
  
It didn't take long for Marie to find out what Logan had meant. She didn't know how she could've forgotten this part, but there had been other things going on at the moment. Things she'd never felt before. Things that didn't allow for a lot of coherent thought.  
  
At this point, she was locked in her room. She'd been having... interesting thoughts about herself all afternoon, and she knew this was the result of Logan's kiss, even though she didn't think she'd had enough time to absorb much of his thoughts or traits.   
  
It turned out she'd been wrong, since she'd already had one quick healing cut, and she was pretty sure she'd fallen in love with herself. The cut was nothing compared to the compilation of knowledge of the latter that she'd gathered so far. And to her surprise, most of Logan's thoughts about her were sweet and tender, as opposed to lewd. Yes, there was the occasional flash of him checking her out, but she could only expect so much from a man, especially one as macho as Logan.  
  
She realized he had the same sense of despair she did much of the time, and the realization that he was in love with her too made her want to stay locked in this room forever. He'd accomplished what he'd intended, but that didn't make anything better. In her mind, as long as her mutation existed, things would never be better. It simply couldn't be, she had to face it.  
  
Logan had been pacing outside Marie's door for ten minutes, trying to avoid being seen by any of the other inhabitants of the school. He hadn't seen her since the Danger Room incident, and he was worried that she wasn't okay. He'd begun to re-think ever touching her and letting her imprint him again. However, the misery they were both in, whether he wanted to admit it for his part or not, wasn't exactly healthy either. He was beginning to wonder if he could win either way. It didn't seem likely.  
  
Finally, he took a deep breath and knocked softly on her door. "Marie, you in there?" he asked, with a glance up and down the hall.  
  
Marie froze at his voice. She honestly didn't know whether she wanted to answer or not. Part of her did, but the other part was scared to death at the prospect of seeing him again.  
  
"Yeah, I am," she replied warily.  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"I don't think that would be a good idea, do you?"  
  
"It's a better idea than me standing out here talking to the door like an idiot," he said, and she could hear the slight exasperation in his voice.  
  
"You could always just go away," she said hopefully.  
  
"I could," he agreed. "But I'm not going to."  
  
She sighed. She didn't like the sense of finality in that last statement. That pretty much meant he would stand out there all night if she didn't open the door, and she didn't want to think about the embarrassment that could cause.  
  
Reluctantly, she got up from her bed and unlocked the door. She opened it slightly, looking at him, her head leaning against the edge of the door. "Let's not do this, okay?"  
  
"We're not doing anything, Marie, and that's most of the problem here."  
  
"After this afternoon I think doing something _would_ be the problem," she shot back bluntly.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry about that, Marie -"  
  
"I'm not," she cut him off.   
  
He could only look at her, puzzled.  
  
"I'm just being honest, Logan."  
  
"Which is what I'm trying to be with you. I may have gone about it the wrong way though..." He rubbed his neck, seemingly nervous. "It's just - I couldn't seem to tell you..."  
  
"I know, Logan,"she said sadly. "I know we're both having a hard time with this, I really do. But there doesn't seem to be a logical way to handle it."  
  
"And we've always been logical," he said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"That's hardly the point, and you know it."  
  
"Marie, I just... Can I come in?"  
  
She hesitated, clearly torn about letting him near her at the present time. Her mutation had never frustrated her like it was now, and it would never be easy to deal with. Especially not as long as she wanted him, and she knew now she'd never stop.  
  
Marie sighed, and finally stepped back, swinging the door wide open to admit him. She closed and locked it behind him, not wanting to think about anyone walking in on this. Whatever this is, she thought glumly.  
  
"What do you want from me, Logan?" she asked tiredly, turning to lean her back against the door. All she knew was that being as far away from him as possible was the best thing to do. Close proximity had gotten them into this in the first place.  
  
"I don't want anything from you."  
  
Marie only stared at him blankly.  
  
"I do..." God, he was bad with words, with feelings, emotions. She made him want to be good at expressing them, but he never seemed to measure up to what she deserved. She deserved to hear how much she meant to him.  
  
"I just, I want _you_."  
  
She closed her eyes, her head against the door. She hadn't needed to hear the words. The way he felt about her was already more than clear. But hearing them, from him, taking in his voice saying those words sent shivers down her spine. This was how love was supposed to be. The way it wasn't with Bobby.  
  
Only not. Love wasn't meant to have so many impossible road blocks, things it truly couldn't overcome. Love conquered all in the fairy tales, but this was about as far as they could get from one of those.  
  
Marie opened her eyes, now glazed over with tears, to look at him. "I take it back. I wish you hadn't kissed me, Logan. We could've gone on pretending we don't feel what we feel, and everything would've been fine."  
  
Logan was standing in the middle of her room, looking more vulnerable than she'd ever seen him, and she knew he hated every minute of it. They both hated what this was doing to them, what they were about to have to do to each other.  
  
He shrugged. "I can't take it back, Marie. It's too late now. You pushed, I pushed back, it's the usual."  
  
He stepped toward her, but she held out her hand to stop him. "There's nothing you can do, Logan. I can't do this. Think. Really think about it." She felt like her insides were being shredded as she said the words, but if she didn't say them now, she never would. He'd walk up to her, take her in his arms, and she'd be hopeless and lost all over again, but in a totally different way.  
  
"I have... and I know you're right."  
  
Marie's tears spilled over onto her pale cheeks.  
  
"But I don't want you to be right. Not this time," he said with just the slightest mischievous glint in his eyes, even given their situation.  
  
"It just wouldn't be fair..." she paused, swallowing, "to either one of us." She knew she really meant him, and maybe he did too, but she didn't care. She knew the opportunity had finally presented itself, and she was backtracking, but the thought of going through a different kind of torture was even worse than that she already suffered.  
  
Logan started toward her again. "Marie, just let me..."  
  
"No," she said firmly. "No, Logan, please don't make it worse. Please," she all but begged him.  
  
He gave in. Because even if it killed him, he'd do anything for her.   
  
She fumbled for the lock behind her back, a definite sign she couldn't be with him right now. Maybe ever. She opened the door slightly, and pleaded with her eyes for him to understand, even if she didn't herself. Either way, her life as she knew it was over. She couldn't leave Bobby hanging any longer, and she'd just done everything she could to turn Logan away.  
  
He walked to the door without being asked, and didn't say a word as he briefly brushed past her. When he was out in the hall, he could only give her a sad look, one that broke her heart into a thousand tiny shards she knew she'd never be able to put back together.  
  
She closed the door, and leaned back against it, letting the sobs finally break free from her aching chest. Nothing would ever be the way it was supposed to be. Any path they took would only leave them desperately wanting more.  
  
Finis 


End file.
